Long Before It Started

= SCHOOL

Lately I have been overcomed. This is not a bad thing. I finally understand how being inadequate pretty much drives everything you do, everything you are. That's the current source of my strength now. I know this cannot be so, because my Higher Being will always want me the way I am, imperfect, full of flaws, broken and well.. as a lower being. It is the way things work around me. It's the way I look at them, the way I frown, the way I refuse to admit defeat, the way I bulge but only because I have to. I admit defeat, my lack of wisdom, the many ways that I am failing, the reasons I am inadequate. Because I realize I can never be complete enough myself. I tend to only find completion in people around me. You know how you lie to yourself all the time when you fail your own expectations and go into the self-comfort combat zone and go 'Oh come on there are others who are in worse shit'? But see, the problem is that you dont realize you dont meet these people who are supposedly in worse shit. That's it soldier. This is your pile of shit. And it is as bad as it can be. But no, lies are lies because they lie in the parts of mind where the truth is. And so this hideous cycle runs a marathon by itself, leaving fragments of me behind, uncaring and insensitive. Sometimes I think my heart and mind are two different entities altogether. Why cannot they bloody hell listen to each other?
But it's okay. I will settle, I will settle.